July 7, 2013

I have noticed some things that I do that affects how I feel.  Yesterday I got up at 6:30am, didn't rest too much and then stayed up until around 1am.  So as you can imagine of course, today I am absolutely exhausted... I have felt like I was on the edge of a break down all day.  A nap is all I wanted and of course that for some reason is just too much for me to ask for.  I feel like anything I would like to do for myself is too selfish and cold hearted to do to my boys.  I know it shouldn't be and I know in the long run it would be better but given the opportunity I could have probably slept all afternoon...  I am almost happy with what I accomplished today although it wasn't much at all but I didn't lay in bed all day, I showered and got to play with my baby so all in all it was a good day.

I so look forward to the day, hoping it comes sooner than later that I feel good all the time.  I hate this empty, lonely feeling I feel most of the time. Surrounded by people or sitting in a room completely alone and quiet, either way, is not fulfilling.  It hurts and I realize without something more, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

How I feel is not fair especially to my son or baby, my husband, or even to me.  This is not who I am and I refuse to allow it to be who I have become.    I pray that it is a phase that I am going through, like a short path I have to walk to be an amazing person of which I know that I am capable of being.  The more sadness I feel, the more I think about it, the worse I feel and the circle continues... It is unnerving to not have answers yet but soon, I know I will be who I want to be, for myself and for my family...