I would have never understood until now what it means when people can say, "I was standing in a room full of people and yet felt all alone..." Not only do I understand that but I feel like I have lost my entire sense of self. I, for some reason, can't seem to just say what's on my mind, I am incapable of feeling things for myself. Why must I feel it necessary to have to come up with a reason for everything I do or want to do? Why do I have to have a reason to feel this way?? There is no answer to the question Why?? All I want is a friend I can trust. Someone who understands me, and everything about me, without having to explain anything... I want someone to be able to say they know how I feel or even so, care how I feel about things, and about nothing too. I have been trying harder and harder not to judge people or at least try to understand where they are coming from before I think about it too much... Is it too much to ask for someone to do that with me?
I don't know who I am anymore... Is this me?? I don't know, maybe, probably not...what else do I say?? This is not what I want other people to think of me or see me as, so I'd like to say no, no it's not me... I'll sit and think about it some and get mad, get upset, and try to do something about it...No promises made but maybe it's just baby steps...
I remember the jobs I had where you could actually multitask by doing your job and talking with others around you... I've had jobs that the boss actually told us to get to know each other and be more friendly but don't talk to anyone... I feel like I work a job like that, don't talk to anyone around you...
Why do I feel miserable. I feel truly blessed, I have a roof over my head. I am capable of taking good care of my son and love him so much...I have a blessing on the way and am so happy for that. I have what I need and am so thankful for it, so why do I feel so bad?? What more do I need, what makes it all better?? Why can't I just ask for what I need and when I finally do, who's going to step up and follow through with that?
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