July 15, 2013

Last week sometime, I finally broke down and told my husband what was going on, in my head, mind, and body... I actually felt a little better and made it the whole weekend and most of today feeling better than I had for awhile now. I hate breaking down and bringing others into my head.  Things are in my head for a reason and people are outside of my head don't need to see any of that.

 I was just thinking earlier today, boy, I feel actually really good.  I was so proud of myself and how I was able to keep myself together for awhile... well, until this evening.  I absolutely hate losing control of myself and my feelings.  One little thing just set me off and sets me back.  I feel weak, I feel alone, and I feel really scared and especially sad, of course.

I know I can't take care of everything, and I definitely can't control everything around me.  Times like this, I can't even take care of or control myself.  You know the feeling when you're like 12 and the world of childhood is behind you and adulthood is far to come, it's ok to just hold your teddy bear and everything seems like it will be ok.  Once you hit adulthood, you come across the realization that a teddy bear can do absolutely nothing for you.  But you're married and have children, that's supposed to be your real life teddy bear, there to make everything great.  That is, until you feel like this, and if feels like the world gives up on you.  And there you are, alone, and scared and completely overwhelmed, and then what, what do you do? Where do you turn?  and how is it ok to open up and let people in.  When you feel like you could give up, how do you explain that to someone and what should they do? How do you expect them to react to something like that??  For every action, there is a reaction... that I understand in science of course, but that doesn't always work as easy as that in real life, when there is something more than a physical action and a physical reaction, how does it work with a mental/emotional action and a mental/emotional reaction???

Something so common for people to say is "it will be ok".  Which yeah it probably will but when your mind starts boggling you down, nothing you could imagine doing will make it ok.

I sat and watched my son play today.  I love watching him play, it is the best thing in the world.  He is such a talker too, I could sit and have a conversation with him for hours even though his vocab reaches about 40 words.  That, in my world, makes everything ok for the time I get to spend with him.  I love him so much, words could never explain :)