I would have never understood until now what it means when people can say, "I was standing in a room full of people and yet felt all alone..." Not only do I understand that but I feel like I have lost my entire sense of self. I, for some reason, can't seem to just say what's on my mind, I am incapable of feeling things for myself. Why must I feel it necessary to have to come up with a reason for everything I do or want to do? Why do I have to have a reason to feel this way?? There is no answer to the question Why?? All I want is a friend I can trust. Someone who understands me, and everything about me, without having to explain anything... I want someone to be able to say they know how I feel or even so, care how I feel about things, and about nothing too. I have been trying harder and harder not to judge people or at least try to understand where they are coming from before I think about it too much... Is it too much to ask for someone to do that with me?
I don't know who I am anymore... Is this me?? I don't know, maybe, probably not...what else do I say?? This is not what I want other people to think of me or see me as, so I'd like to say no, no it's not me... I'll sit and think about it some and get mad, get upset, and try to do something about it...No promises made but maybe it's just baby steps...
I remember the jobs I had where you could actually multitask by doing your job and talking with others around you... I've had jobs that the boss actually told us to get to know each other and be more friendly but don't talk to anyone... I feel like I work a job like that, don't talk to anyone around you...
Why do I feel miserable. I feel truly blessed, I have a roof over my head. I am capable of taking good care of my son and love him so much...I have a blessing on the way and am so happy for that. I have what I need and am so thankful for it, so why do I feel so bad?? What more do I need, what makes it all better?? Why can't I just ask for what I need and when I finally do, who's going to step up and follow through with that?
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
July 15, 2013
Last week sometime, I finally broke down and told my husband what was going on, in my head, mind, and body... I actually felt a little better and made it the whole weekend and most of today feeling better than I had for awhile now. I hate breaking down and bringing others into my head. Things are in my head for a reason and people are outside of my head don't need to see any of that.
I was just thinking earlier today, boy, I feel actually really good. I was so proud of myself and how I was able to keep myself together for awhile... well, until this evening. I absolutely hate losing control of myself and my feelings. One little thing just set me off and sets me back. I feel weak, I feel alone, and I feel really scared and especially sad, of course.
I know I can't take care of everything, and I definitely can't control everything around me. Times like this, I can't even take care of or control myself. You know the feeling when you're like 12 and the world of childhood is behind you and adulthood is far to come, it's ok to just hold your teddy bear and everything seems like it will be ok. Once you hit adulthood, you come across the realization that a teddy bear can do absolutely nothing for you. But you're married and have children, that's supposed to be your real life teddy bear, there to make everything great. That is, until you feel like this, and if feels like the world gives up on you. And there you are, alone, and scared and completely overwhelmed, and then what, what do you do? Where do you turn? and how is it ok to open up and let people in. When you feel like you could give up, how do you explain that to someone and what should they do? How do you expect them to react to something like that?? For every action, there is a reaction... that I understand in science of course, but that doesn't always work as easy as that in real life, when there is something more than a physical action and a physical reaction, how does it work with a mental/emotional action and a mental/emotional reaction???
Something so common for people to say is "it will be ok". Which yeah it probably will but when your mind starts boggling you down, nothing you could imagine doing will make it ok.
I sat and watched my son play today. I love watching him play, it is the best thing in the world. He is such a talker too, I could sit and have a conversation with him for hours even though his vocab reaches about 40 words. That, in my world, makes everything ok for the time I get to spend with him. I love him so much, words could never explain :)
I was just thinking earlier today, boy, I feel actually really good. I was so proud of myself and how I was able to keep myself together for awhile... well, until this evening. I absolutely hate losing control of myself and my feelings. One little thing just set me off and sets me back. I feel weak, I feel alone, and I feel really scared and especially sad, of course.
I know I can't take care of everything, and I definitely can't control everything around me. Times like this, I can't even take care of or control myself. You know the feeling when you're like 12 and the world of childhood is behind you and adulthood is far to come, it's ok to just hold your teddy bear and everything seems like it will be ok. Once you hit adulthood, you come across the realization that a teddy bear can do absolutely nothing for you. But you're married and have children, that's supposed to be your real life teddy bear, there to make everything great. That is, until you feel like this, and if feels like the world gives up on you. And there you are, alone, and scared and completely overwhelmed, and then what, what do you do? Where do you turn? and how is it ok to open up and let people in. When you feel like you could give up, how do you explain that to someone and what should they do? How do you expect them to react to something like that?? For every action, there is a reaction... that I understand in science of course, but that doesn't always work as easy as that in real life, when there is something more than a physical action and a physical reaction, how does it work with a mental/emotional action and a mental/emotional reaction???
Something so common for people to say is "it will be ok". Which yeah it probably will but when your mind starts boggling you down, nothing you could imagine doing will make it ok.
I sat and watched my son play today. I love watching him play, it is the best thing in the world. He is such a talker too, I could sit and have a conversation with him for hours even though his vocab reaches about 40 words. That, in my world, makes everything ok for the time I get to spend with him. I love him so much, words could never explain :)
Sunday, July 7, 2013
July 7, 2013
I have noticed some things that I do that affects how I feel. Yesterday I got up at 6:30am, didn't rest too much and then stayed up until around 1am. So as you can imagine of course, today I am absolutely exhausted... I have felt like I was on the edge of a break down all day. A nap is all I wanted and of course that for some reason is just too much for me to ask for. I feel like anything I would like to do for myself is too selfish and cold hearted to do to my boys. I know it shouldn't be and I know in the long run it would be better but given the opportunity I could have probably slept all afternoon... I am almost happy with what I accomplished today although it wasn't much at all but I didn't lay in bed all day, I showered and got to play with my baby so all in all it was a good day.
I so look forward to the day, hoping it comes sooner than later that I feel good all the time. I hate this empty, lonely feeling I feel most of the time. Surrounded by people or sitting in a room completely alone and quiet, either way, is not fulfilling. It hurts and I realize without something more, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
How I feel is not fair especially to my son or baby, my husband, or even to me. This is not who I am and I refuse to allow it to be who I have become. I pray that it is a phase that I am going through, like a short path I have to walk to be an amazing person of which I know that I am capable of being. The more sadness I feel, the more I think about it, the worse I feel and the circle continues... It is unnerving to not have answers yet but soon, I know I will be who I want to be, for myself and for my family...
I so look forward to the day, hoping it comes sooner than later that I feel good all the time. I hate this empty, lonely feeling I feel most of the time. Surrounded by people or sitting in a room completely alone and quiet, either way, is not fulfilling. It hurts and I realize without something more, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
How I feel is not fair especially to my son or baby, my husband, or even to me. This is not who I am and I refuse to allow it to be who I have become. I pray that it is a phase that I am going through, like a short path I have to walk to be an amazing person of which I know that I am capable of being. The more sadness I feel, the more I think about it, the worse I feel and the circle continues... It is unnerving to not have answers yet but soon, I know I will be who I want to be, for myself and for my family...
It started sometime back then...
15 months ago my most adorable son was born. He is the love of my life and my everything. About the same time though, unknown then, I began suffering from postpartum depression. The entire pregnancy, I read every book there was to read about pregnancy and labor and delivery and taking the baby home... I never expected that it would be so hard to take care of myself. As far as my son, he's the reason I get out of bed in the morning, the reason I suppose I do most anything. I love being with him and enjoy every second of watching him grow and learn. He has taught me so much and molded me to an entirely different person then I ever expected to be. Yet the feelings of depression I have had since my son was born have not yet subsided... I felt worse than I have ever emotionally and mentally and for the first time ever, there's not anything I have found that makes me feel better for more than a couple of hours... At the point that I actually worked up the nerve to ask for help, he was 8 months old, and we found out we were expecting again. So as far as 'getting help' I couldn't do it, emotionally/mentally you know, I just couldn't...
Later on we found out, this time it is a girl. So I started reading again, anything I could find, which I will say is not a lot about having a second child. Most materials are made for first time parents.
I know this sounds all like a jumble of words and thoughts, it is... I know... But I have a couple of points to get across here... first, maybe writing will make it better (although, I have always had a hard time writing my thoughts on paper). Secondly, there are a lot of people that have no idea what it feels like, nor will they ever understand without actually feeling it. Third, I want people, especially mommies, to know it is ok to feel good and ask for help, even if you think you can do it or think it's really not that bad... Looking back, it is that bad and it doesn't have to be.
Later on we found out, this time it is a girl. So I started reading again, anything I could find, which I will say is not a lot about having a second child. Most materials are made for first time parents.
I know this sounds all like a jumble of words and thoughts, it is... I know... But I have a couple of points to get across here... first, maybe writing will make it better (although, I have always had a hard time writing my thoughts on paper). Secondly, there are a lot of people that have no idea what it feels like, nor will they ever understand without actually feeling it. Third, I want people, especially mommies, to know it is ok to feel good and ask for help, even if you think you can do it or think it's really not that bad... Looking back, it is that bad and it doesn't have to be.
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